Let’s face it, we aren’t short of a few b*llends here in the UK. They occupy everything from public office, to private mansions and we see them everyday, in the local newspapers, on TV… you just can’t get away from them.
So the dilemma… ITV are a man (or woman) down on the front desk of Good Morning Britain, and they are in dire need of a replacement for the recently discharged Piers Morgan (who for reference is also one of the b*llends aforementioned). Personally we feel people would be better off, if the show was completely chucked on a trailer full of horse s**t and set alight… But of course we are a little biased, since we have more taste and less tolerance for a sea of dross and idiocy.
In the spirit of entertainment and the British people, we will put our feelings to one side on this shoddy affair and try to help the guys on Central place their next embodiment of crap.
We’ve picked five well known celebrities (not including Cracky Dave from the Spark Hill, Birmingham area), that we think could do an equally terrible job of making us all feel like Gillette is the best a man can get, for a quick sharp exit!
1. Rylan Clark-Neal
Ok let’s face it, you kind of expected this one didn’t you? Whilst he doesn’t fully embody the typical b*llend we are looking for, we think he would certainly fit the bill on the show. He doesn’t come with a bag of controversy attached to him and would probably end up s*x talking most guests into submission with his very forward and camp approach, flirting at the forefront.
But what Rylan brings to the table that no others can come close to, is his capability to support on this busy and time sensitive morning news set. Yes Rylan’s teeth could easily light the studio, which could be a massive boost in ITV’s attempts to cut costs after their recent announcements of losses. With his beanpole like frame and long flexible legs, getting the right lighting angle would be a piece of p**s. Talk about value added assets.
And let’s face it, he’s already destroyed supermarket sweep, so he wouldn’t be doing much worse for the ITV brand.
2. Jeremy Clarkson
Arguably the most simple and direct replacement would of course be good old Jezza. He’s been round the block, knows a thing or two about racism and can easily spark controversy if required, with his marmite style attitude to all things present.
Berating some of our public officials would be right up his alley, having previously hosted his own talk show (with the witty title ‘Clarkson’), whereby Jeremy would literally bring on guests he didn’t like, simply to stick it to them on the box. Clever stuff and not short of a few punches ready to be thrown.
Personally we think he’d be the most entertaining, as despite most people reactions to him (which are often to burn his eyes out with a soldering iron), he does know how to take the p**s and he does this in an entertaining way.
We’re surprised he hasn’t been snapped up already given his already well publicised fanny spat with Piers over the past few years… We think he’s odds on!
3. Katie Hopkins
So this would literally turn the gender tables on morning TV shows, with a female fronted duo all powerful and rightfully placed… The trouble is, Katie Hopkins is an utter t*at.
Recently voted as the most hated UK celebrity (if that’s what you can call her), Hopkins is nothing short of perfect for the role on Good Morning Britain, with looks, motives and attitude all pointing aptly to a well known daily pastime synonymous with the show… s*it.
And to justify this, here are a few of Katie’s rather infamous quotes, which are quite eye watering (although we think we could do better):
i. “Dementia sufferers should not be blocking beds. What is the point of life when you no longer know you are living it? Bang me over the head”
ii. “Women have the right to breast feed. But they don’t have the right to put everyone else off having milk in their tea. Put it away girls”
iii. “Just been asked a question by a very fat child. Had to explain that I don’t answer to fat children”
iv. “A name, for me, is a short way of working out what class that child comes from. And I can decide from that do I want my child to play with them? ‘Hi, this is my daughter Charmaine’. I hear: ‘Hi, I am thick and ignorant'”
v. “To call yourself ‘plus size’ is just a euphemism for being fat. Life is much easier when you’re thinner. Big is not beautiful, of course a job comes down to how you look.”
Ok we could go on and on, there is literally a dictionary of offensive things that dumb beaver has said, but let’s get back to the point at hand… Could she go on GMB and be a role model for us all… In today’s modern TV world… Sadly, yes, she probably could.
But that doesn’t mean she should and we can imagine viewing figures plummeting if she was ever to take the mantle. Maybe she’d be better back in the sewers with all her fellow (and sometimes yellow) turd friends.
4. Jeremy Kyle
Back to the Jeremy’s now, and another that we haven’t seen for a while since his controversial TV show, ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’ (sounds as crap as it was) was axed in May 2019, following a suicide by one of the guests shortly after appearing on the show. Following similar patterns of guest suicides, it’s clear his TV show appearances are only good for one thing… Reducing population.
But we’re being bitter again, surely he couldn’t be that bad? He’s not shy of getting in the ring with anyone, although he didn’t really fight back after a guest threw a drinks bottle at his head during one episode (comedy gold, worth YouTubing). If you want a bully to pick fights, name and shame guests and all that Jazz, then he’s clearly the man for the job… Speaking of which, isn’t that the Job Specification by nature? Err… Piers Morgan… Hello!
We’re sure we’d all be open to seeing someone launch a cup of PG right at that stuck up noggin’, think it would make for bigger ratings than the whole Meghan Markle debacle to be honest. He’s got to be in the running… That’s if he hasn’t stood up a clinic for berating young people on their bad life choices and is unavailable… Only time will tell.
5. Danny Dyer
Last but not least and our wildcard pick… A supposed London hardman (alleged) with an accent that oozes Landan t*at. But in all honesty he does have some decent accolades under his belt and has starred in some great movies and also some equally terrible ones.
So why is he here… What do we think he offers that other candidates don’t, cockney geeza an all dat? Well there is a simple fact that most of you are probably overlooking right now, so allow us to enlighten you.
Danny Dyer is quite possible the most annoying person on TV at the moment, his mopey dopey ‘Carter’ family role in Eastenders has definitely dented any swagger he once had, but he is clearly one with the people and certainly appeals to the GMB audience.
Yes braindead, a bit fick innit… Most of the GMB audience would be at home with Dyer, simply because he most likely shares an intellect with them, which is unparalleled and definitely below that of a meaningful and realistic conversation about UK matters… What a perfect fit… Dow ya fink?
We don’t think he’ll get it the job though, the thought of Prime Minister Boris Johnson coming on air and being met with a “What the f*ck are you lookin’ at?”, probably wouldn’t go down with the big bosses of the labouring morning TV show… Although we suspect ratings would be “Frew da fackin’ roof”. Nuff said!
DISCLAIMER: This is a post for entertainment only and not designed to deface or slander any celebrity or other person… We will swear at you directly if we see fit to do so… Carry on!
Which of our five picks do you think is best suited to the job?… down below in the comments!