Boris Johnson is set to take the UK coronavirus lockdown to another level, after passing a new law which will see members of the public strapped into their own beds, bringing new meaning to the word ‘lockdown’.
The new tier 20 approach has been introduced in an attempt to curb the excessive abuse of people opening their doors, breathing in fresh air, taking in Amazon parcels and eating excessively. It is for the latter reason that this is also backed by the governments Chief Medical Officer and included on the latest NHS bill of rights, with a secondary goal in tackling obesity.
With UK residents clawing at the walls (and the proverbial packets of walkers in their cupboards), it isn’t exactly news that has been met with excitement. Not only are the outdoors off limits, so too are the biscuit tins.
Chris P. Bacon from Fryup in North Yorkshire, is one such unhappy COVID lockdown victim who had these words to say,
“It’s just a disgrace that we can’t even go to the shops anymore, all we were doing was buying our groceries, was it really that problematic. If they want us to spend less time in there, then make things more expensive. 35p for a packet of custard creams, you’d be a fool not to.”
The chief medical officer however was in favour of the new ruling, eluding to the fact that people being in shops, were simply catching more than just COVID-19 from one another.
“They are anywhere and everywhere, wherever you look, Fatties. Never mind the masks and the risk of COVID, these people are literally making each other fat and we need to take this seriously. We can’t have this getting out of control as well, we are extremely close to pandemic number 2.”
The ministers statements have further fuelled the fire in an already raging population, whom have previously been locked down several times over the past 12 months.
The CMO went on to say, “If we don’t act now, soon we will be replacing all supermarket doors and having to bring in fleets of forklift trucks just to get the bigger ones in and out. It’s just not sustainable.”
Despite the labour party’s natural opposition to the Conservative’s handling of the COVID-19 outbreak in the UK, they are in agreement that further controls are warranted here, and welcomed the news.
“We don’t really believe this government were on the blocks from the get go, but this is a welcome step in the right direction.”
“Let’s face it, if everyone else had been on the running blocks some time back, and not on the phone to dominos pizza, then we wouldn’t be having these discussions.”
The Prime Minister wasn’t available to speak as he clambered out of his limousine while on his way to a cobra-Kai meeting (sponsored by Netflix).
One eagle eyed viewer spotted an empty Dorito bag tumbling out of the door along with the UK leader, so we don’t suppose he will be putting himself into tier 20.
Surely he fits the profile, but what do we know… we’re not bitter or anything…
Fatty fat fat leader fat.
DISCLAIMER: None of this is true, any of it… If you believe that then there is something seriously wrong with you… It’s satire… Comedy… Get over it… Now where are those biscuits!
If you’d like to see more of this… then… you know… down below in the comments!